Selected Quotes from The Complete Handbook for Family Life Ministry in the Church

by Don W. Hebbard, Nelson, 1995

GENERAL COMMENTS ON FAMILY MINISTRY

The problem:

Families are hungry for creative answers. Pat answers and platitudes will not suffice (p. 14)...

People are hungry for meaningful relationships...Church families are in desperate need of teaching, training, discussion, clarification, analysis, questioning, reading, demonstration, argumentation, and confrontation on the family issues of the day. They have placed the church in the resource provider role, and I think too many churches have remained silent (p. 31).

The bottom line...is clear: our people are not coming to us [the church] for help...I have looked into the eyes of too many church members who complain of incompetent responses to personal, marital, and family difficulties from ministers. They state, almost as a rule, that they will never again risk vulnerability in the life of the local church....It reflects the way church leaders approach family ministry...We have shot our wounded or left them for dead (pp 78, 85).

The solution: Family Life Ministry. Working definition (p. 6):

• Ministry of the church

• Through preventive and therapeutic efforts

• Designed to strengthen all forms of families

• In the church and the community.

Family ministry may be one of the most biblical and practical ministries any church can attempt. But it is not a catalog of programs. It is a way of thinking about ministry (p. xiii)....and addressing the daily struggles of families (p. xvii).

[John 4:1-26]..represents the model text for family life ministry. Jesus blessed the woman [at the well] with the gifts of acceptance, hope, and healing (p. xvi)....A great challenge exists to all church leaders to learn to sit by wells and take up the struggle for family life (p. 3).

Hurting people continue to hurt in our churches. They leave with the same pain they come in with...It is not my job to fix, but to listen, feed, and be an agent of peace and grace (p. 5). Family ministry is grief work...One fallen child of God touched by the healing hand of the Savior (p. 6)....It is leaving the paths of comfortable ministry and becoming vulnerable to be hurt time and time again...If we hide ourselves behind sterile ministry that refuses to weep with those who weep, we will build a religious kingdom, but we will not build the kingdom of God (p. 43).

Family ministry combines the knowledge and skill base of three vital areas of study: theology, marriage and family counseling, and adult education (p. 271).

• I cannot overstate the need for extensive formal training in ministry as the beginning point for the family life minister (p. 273).

• Familiar with family systems and how those dynamics affect the local church...gone through rigorous training and dealt with the issues in your family of origin (p. 273).

• Because family ministry is primarily preventive, adult education offers you an opportunity to explore how adults learn and to design and develop programs (p. 274).

What can family ministry mean in the life of the local church? (pp. 15-16).

• Blending edification and evangelism...

• Establishing a Christian community...

• Developing Leaders...

• Upholding biblical relevancy...

• Communicating community concern...

• Preparing for stress points...

• Guidance at crisis points...

• Using diverse talents...

• Opening the pulpit and classroom...

Various tangible and intangible results from a commitment to family ministry (p. 183):

• A more edifying body, learning to minister to its own in crises.

• Empower families of all types to build family strengths and raise up children with the necessary skills to establish Christian homes.

• The community will come to see the congregation as a group of people interested in more than their own self-preservation and agenda.

• Lost people will come to view Jesus as the Great Physician and ultimate source of authority and relational healing.

• Begin to address the issues of the culture through a Christian perspective rather than avoid the issues or remain silent.

• Be seen as a resource center.

• Staff unity and cooperation will be prioritized.

• Personal and familial spirituality will be stimulated and encouraged.

• Unchurched will be drawn through a variety of programs groups, and relationships made in connection with this ministry.

• Many Christians, whose talents may have been unnoticed, will be used in their God-given roles.

• Church leaders will be able to move into a more proactive stance in relation to the problems of contemporary families.

THE BIBLICAL BASIS OF FAMILY LIFE MINISTRY:

1. Salvation by association...People are hungry for relationships. that is why family ministry is so powerful in the community. It addresses training in the areas of marriage, parenting, and death, to name just a few. Evangelism occurs naturally out of a trust relationship among family members and friends (p. 37)...

2. Needs-based ministry...

3. Credible ministry...

4. The church as a faith family...A family of faith is a safe place for the single-parent family to grow. A family of faith offers hope to divorced or single people or teenagers from broken families (p. 46)....That faith family is in need of training, pastoring, and leading...church members are in critical need of training in spiritual development and faith development skills...A faith family implies leadership as well as acceptance (p. 46)....

5. All ages and family forms as worthwhile ministry...Family ministry is built on this principle of acceptance....acceptance of alternate family forms... [and] acceptance [dealing with] the life crises that a person is permitted to acknowledge as a part of the church...But how many members' lives are touched by enormous crises that are not on the approved list (p. 50-51)....A church that cultivates the atmosphere of acceptance and prayer for hurting people will solve some of the problems that church growth experts seem to struggle with. The issue is not one of numerical growth; it is cardiac growth" (p. 51)....

6. Drawing on the natural giftedness of the body...Family ministry uses the gifts of grace of church members to meet the needs of families...The minister must empower the congregation to exercise natural gifts and then develop the gifts that do not come naturally to them p. 54)....

7. Hold standards high while ministering to fallen people...Jesus did not shame people into the kingdom of God. Neither did He open the gates wide to anyone who would not count the cost...it was ─ and is ─ a balance of responsibility and freedom...God's church must be a place where fallen men and women contact the saving grace of Jesus Christ...at the same time, the church must hold the standards of Christian ethics and morality high....We minister with grace and forgiveness to fallen people, but we call all to God's higher ground (pp. 54-55)....Building strong Christian lives takes pain and effort. It is a growth process involving disciples and God's Spirit working through their lives..painful confrontations with one's identity, ultimately producing spiritual maturity (p. 56-57)....An unhealthy church will not produce healthy families (p. 58)....

8. Builds real families, not ideal ones...The biblical basis for family life ministry is a study in Christian relationships. The Bible is filled with teachings that define and enrich our relationships in Christ. Any of these can be applied to the study of marriage and the family (pp. 60-61).

DEALING WITH THE OBSTACLES TO FAMILY LIFE MINISTRY

Typical obstacles (pp. 65-77):

• The ostrich approach...

• The ejection approach [categorizing family struggles as wrong...then ejecting the offenders]...

• The Mother's Day/Father's Day approach [superficiality]...

• The latest fad approach...

• The title-only approach [incompetent family ministers/ministries]...

• Land mines in the harvest fields [unresolved/underlying issues]...

• Counseling-only preconception...

• Inability to integrate the Bible with psychology...

• Simplistic answers to complex problems...

• Denial...

• Don't air your dirty laundry here [lack of unconditional love]...

• The enormity and severity of the problems [too fearful to help]...

• Unacceptable crises [ejecting rather than helping offenders]...

• Quantitative growth [a numbers mentality]...

• Staff problems [resource problems]...

• Resistance to planning...Church as club [unwilling to "get down and get dirty"]...

• Tree stump experts [thinking we have all the answers already]...

• Lack of a theological base...

• Accessing corporate pain [unresolved in-house conflict that gets in the way]...

Suggested Solutions (pp. 87-88:

• Help the...church define family ministry in broader terms than counseling or a counseling center.

• Help church leaders make friends with counseling and psychology. Lead them in a study of the integration of psychology and theology, and assist in the de-mystification process of therapy.

• Affirm all life crises as worthy of legitimate ministry.

• Assist church leaders in defining success as both qualitative and quantitative. Emphasize edification and evangelism as necessary for balanced church growth.

• Help build staff relations and expertise.

• Assist in training leaders and members as encouragers and people helpers.

• Assist as a congregational healer in conditions of congregational conflict.

• Explore prejudices against groups of persons.

• Avoid supplying simplistic answers to complex problems.

• Teach out of your struggles as well as your strengths.

• Be open to legitimate censure and supervision, and encourage openness among all ministers.

• Model acceptance of people with "unacceptable" struggles.

• Expose denial...insist that leaders listen and understand the nature of problems among members.

• Keep confidences...insist on... privacy and professionalism. Short-circuit congregational grapevines. • Model vulnerability and transparency with the members and the leaders

Conditions Necessary for Successful Change...

1. Members and leaders must believe it is their plan.

2. Leaders in the church must support the change.

3. The recommended changes must be reasonable and in line with the stated and unstated values and beliefs of the church members.

4. Members and leaders should experience support in the change process.

5. Members and leaders should feel their security and autonomy are not threatened.

When a proposal for change [is] introduced...people...fall into one of five categories (p. 234):

Innovators 2%

Early Adopters 18%

Middle Adopters 60%

Late Adopters 18%

Laggards 2%

STEPS IN THE START-UP OF FAMILY MINISTRY

Step 1: Unite the Leaders...Ministerial support is vital...Church leaders must publicly support the initiation of ministry to families....

Step 2: Set Goals...Reasonable goals. No church or institution can meet all the needs of all the people. There must be a prioritization....

Step 3: Evaluate Congregational History and Rules...What have ben the messages on the family delivered in the past ten years?...

Step 4: Take Initial Steps to Launch the Ministry...Designate a champion...Cultivate interest among leaders...Begin with sure winners...create a sense of confidence and good-will...Emphasize quality...It is much better to start with one or two basic offerings and programs in the initial year and do them successfully...Put teaching at the forefront...Discover who is on board...Check out what others are doing...[Build} a network...Keep direct access to the congregation...

Step 5: Inform and Involve the Congregation...

Rule #1: Assume People Are Not Listening...

Rule #2: Use Multiple Channels...

Rule #3: Capitalize on Formal Communication Channels...

Rule #4: Use Informal Communication Channels... (pp. 16-27).

PROGRAMMING: An Overview of the Conceptual Framework

Activities and ministries should be the end result of a programming process that leads to implementing effective ministries. If done correctly, a programming process helps identify felt needs [the author places great emphasis on doing a thorough needs analysis before proceeding further], evaluate options to meet the needs, implement programs that target the needs, and evaluate progress so no program becomes a sacred cow (pp. 91-92).

Needs Analysis

Begin with needs analysis...next...determine the target (p. 11) [Note: the appendix in the book provides a sample congregational family needs analysis survey form].

You must manage change effectively to create a family environment within the church system... Read the pulse...target felt needs and address them in a way that is palatable to the church (p. 94).

Goals [example]:

Goal 1: Address the spiritual needs of the families in terms of individual, couple, and family spiritual development.

Goal 2: Address the stresses on marriages at all stages of the marital life cycle.

Goal 3: Assist parents of young children and teens to learn effective communications, problem solving, and discipline, and to build self-esteem.

Goal 4: Assist the aging population and those responsible for their care.

Goal 5: Help Christian families select recreational and entertainment options that build family unity and values.

Goal 6: Assist Christian singles and couples in building relationships outside the family network.

Goal 7: Help develop family, church, and community leadership skills within the members of the family (p.101).

Implementation

[The author offers a developmental model of family life ministry that incorporates both inreach and outreach and integrates with existing church programs. In describing one model he offers the following stages of implementation (p. 157)]:

1. Referral. What held can be immediately rallied?

2. Resources. What resources can be quickly applied?

3. Retooling. What continuing education do we need?

4. Research. What is the condition of our families?

5. Remediation. What counseling do we offer?

6. Reeducation. What education/enrichment do we offer?

7. Reconstruction. What impact will the ministry have on the larger church family system?

8. Reaching out. How shall we reach out?

Evaluation [example]:

Effectiveness should be multidimensional, producing at least seven results:

1. Deepening of the overall quality of Christian family life.

2. Restoration of members who are marginally involved with the life of the local church due to some family crisis.

3. A growing body of searchers who are not members of the local church but increasing in their relationship with and dependence upon the body of Christ as a real agent in their lives.

4. Higher congregational usage of and involvement in the family life ministry.

5. A growing number of referrals and contacts who are involved in family ministry offerings.

6. The teaching and conversion of searchers to the body of Christ.

7. An image in the local community that sees the church as a positive, proactive force for families of all types.

MISCELLANEOUS IDEAS

What Any Church Can Do to Minister to Its Families (p. 164 f.)

1. Create a standing committee on family life and ministry.

2. Make a habit of reading family-oriented literature and buying materials for the leaders.

3. Acquire books and tapes for a resource shelf.

4. Set up a resource and referral table in the foyer.

5. Start a regular family life class as a part of the Bible school offerings each week.

6. Offer a yearly family life series on a topic of critical concern to the church.

7. Invest in training for core family ministry leaders.

8. Submit and justify a yearly budget.

9. Contact local real estate agents and marketing groups for demographics of your area that can be purchased at a minimal cost.

10. Travel to other churches and view their programs.

11. Expand the impact of family problems by including church leaders in the remedial process.

12. Get on mailing lists of conferences and lectures.

13. purchase prepared family enrichment materials featuring train-the-trainer guides.

Family Ministry as Outreach Tool

Community outreach through an "edu-tainment" [combining education and entertainment] model includes a combination of contemporary media and methods, an examination of relevant family themes, and an exploration of God's Word on the topic. It capitalizes on the various leaning styles of the adult audience. It assumes there are barriers between the church and the community and attempts to build bridges between them. It capitalizes on our media-rich environment, informal learning systems, and ability to form cognitive structures from a multitude of structures. It presents the eternal message on a contemporary platter but holds the methodology accountable through spiritual discernment of God's Words (p. 195).

Because of the questions it asks, family ministry generally threatens the status quo...When a shift in emphasis is called for,it forces the church to ask questions at the deepest level: Why do we exist? what is our mission? How do we measure success in the kingdom right her? It is not surprising that many churches that embrace family ministry often rethink their basic assumptions about ministry (p. 229)...The change process can often be furthered by implementing family ministry programming through the existing structures of the congregation before building new ones. (p. 23).

How to work with the local leadership as you implement family life ministry (pp. 235-236):

• Realize that the capacity to be a change agent within the church system is directly related to the confidence earned by those in the system. If you are perceived as a wise and trustworthy leader, your proposals will be regarded more favorably.

• Realize that once you are inside a church system, your ability to effect changes on certain levels decreases simply by virtue of being a member of the system.

• There is no substitute for positive results. It is difficult to object to something that changes lives and helps families.

• Learn to use the formal and informal communication channels within the church.

• Capitalize on the support of early adapters in the church who can align with the proposed changes and speak to the middle adapters.

• Realize conflict is unavoidable in any church system, and learn to work through it. Distinguish carefully between wars, battles, skirmishes, and warning flares.

• Silence may be the most powerful persuader when it allows time for the results of the ministry to surface.

• Positive ministry can be carved out of the sheer rock of opposition. You, as a minister, have the option of how you will behave in any given situation.

• Accept that there will be alliances and coalitions within the power structure. Strive for a relationship with all groups, aiming to be an honest broker with the best interests of the church at heart.

• Develop a close relationship with one or two leaders who can be confidants during difficult situations.

• Be mindful of the inherent lack of confidentiality on all levels of the church system.

• Realize it is very difficult to significantly change an existing church system in a short period of time. Some leaders will make significant changes, others will move slightly, while others will make no changes whatsoever. Family ministry can still operate within these parameters.

Family Ministry Levels [5 levels of ministry to families ranging from less skilled/intensive to highly trained/intensive]:

1. Encouragers. All church members should e trained as responsible encouragers to the rest of the body of Jesus Christ. They should be taught the skills of helpfulness. They should master active listening skills. They should be articulate and be able to cultivate natural people skills...With these skills firmly implanted in the response mechanism of the church, members will begin to be more open to the struggles and problems we all face (p. 247).

2. People Helpers. People helpers...are first and foremost compassionate listeners. They will require ongoing training and direct supervision by the family life minister. Their zone of impact will be limited. They will work within their natural networks of small groups, ministries and bible classes. They can help people clarify their concerns and assist them to professional help if that is required. They can also augment the work of the counseling staff (p. 248). People helping must also be one of the most closely managed ministries in the family life ministry....We must select, train, and supervise people helpers with the utmost rigor and care (p. 253). What kind of people make good people helpers? Some characteristics include (p. 254):

• Ability to listen and understand experiences outside a personal range of experience.

• A non-judgmental spirit.

• An openness to learning.

• The ability to articulate the concepts of biblical grace, forgiveness, community of faith, prayer, and intercession; the work of the Spirit; and the active love of God through Jesus Christ.

• A Spirit of compassion in the face of human suffering.

• A deep love for people seen through a broad range of associations.

• Ability to maintain healthy boundaries and not be responsible for others' rescue.

• Self-awareness ─ understanding of ones personality and temperament. They are aware of the baggage they carry and its impact on their Christian worldview.

• A deep and abiding scar. The best people helpers can identify with pain because they have felt pain and walked trough it rather than denied its existence.

[These people helpers should be trained and then planted in helping networks]. These groups serve many useful purposes. They allow communications to permeate throughout the congregation. Positive information can be planted within them and passed from network to network...Thes networks are also the first line of defense in people helping. When family problems arise, small groups notice them first (p. 257).

3. Pastoral Care. The most critical need in our churches is the need for basic pastoral care. Congregations are dying for ministers who will walk with them through the trials and complexities of life. Ministers must cease to be performers under bright lights and become co-strugglers under transparent lights. We need a generation of ministers who feel the calling of God to serve a congregation of people through the life span (p. 244).All ministers can and should participate in continuing education to familiarize themselves with the changing nature of contemporary family problems. Church leaders should view retooling as an investment in the minister, the members who benefit from the minister's training, and the overall effectiveness of the program of the church (p. 249).

4. Christian Counseling. Referral networks.

5. Long-Term Care. Intensive long-term psychotherapy and hospitalization...You must act as a wise shepherd discerning what kind of response a particular crisis demands (p. 251).

Prevention or Therapy?...Family ministry tries to prepare people for the developmental crises and assist them through the situational crises (pp 7-8). The local church is in an ideal role to offer integrated training and therapy because both ministries reflect the basic nature of the church itself (p. 255)....You must play two key roles...[1] manage the various cases/crises... [2] [be] trainer and equipper (p. 257).